Thursday, February 17, 2011

Tom the Toolbag Throckbottom

I came across Tom, recently, while attending an event where customers were meeting with a company.  The goal was for the customers to come and listen to updates from that company and share experiences that would help everyone enhance their experience with said company's products.

We will be dropping in Tom over a 24-hour period, looking at the general theme of his existence.  While overall being a decent guy, he has issues, like we all do...this time, I got a front and center view... you probably know Tom too.

[Expressing the reason for being at meeting]

Tom:  We are glad to be here, we've been a client for a number of years, I used to work for said company, but moved on to [a better gig] my current role with not-before-mentioned company.

Translation:  I got out of work to be here, and can run my mouth for a while.  I have a big penis, and it was so big that I decided not to work for that company anymore, because another company has glass walls that make my penis appear even larger.

[later, while discussing a project that ALL CUSTOMERS know didn't well...for any of us]

Tom:  We did push forward with that project, and it was a disaster.  We had to wait for additional repair jobs, and then the guy forgot the repair parts, but we handled it and eventually it worked out.

Translation:  You all know this project sucked, but I'm going to be a Total Tool and throw the company that's buying me an outrageous dinner, right under the bus.  They sent out a guy that had a much smaller penis than me, and I had to make sure he measured both our penis's several times before I let him leave.  He also had to write a letter of penis length to my boss, thus proving the enormity of my rod.

[at dinner]

Tom:  I just brought on Leon here with me, and we've been backtracking across my experience with both companies to make sure we can layout a progress plan that others can use as well as my company.

Translation:  I hired Leon, he is not allowed to have a big penis, but if he does well, he can aspire to grow the rod as I have done.  I like to stroke my big rod, by mentioning again that I used to work for the company sponsoring this event, and now moved penis grew even larger.

[next day, after someone brought up "The bad project" again]

Tom:  Yeah, I really didn't go into detail yesterday.

Translation:  I'd like to revisit that story about how big my penis is...from yesterday.

Tom:  We actually had to go into the project and point out what was wrong...they had the gall to call us and say that what we found was correct and that they would send someone out to fix that too.  Ryan was instrumental in making sure that they actually fixed the issue.

Translation:  Did I mentioned anything about my Big Penis, Even bigger now, and a little rub here, and small penis guy calls, and sends small penis guy out...Ryan played a nice role and his penis grew a little there too...but he still isn't allowed to have big penis.  After that incident, I had to tell my boss about how I pointed out their small penises and then go buy a bigger banana hammock for my giant helmeted spartan.

All in all, I think Tom just needs to know that he's appreciated.  I know he has a bit of a rough life at home and we all like to grow the characters we play at work into a starring role.  Perhaps his cry for help has to do with his children, and wife, that have some special needs going on...I don't know.  I do know that his affect on we other customers wasn't tremendously positive.  Nobody likes a blowhard (no pun intended), and playground rules still apply when you are 50...take turns Tom, don't be a Tool.  Let other people win once in a while, or nobody will want to hang around you.  

He violated one of my two most important rules in the workplace.

1. Just do your damned job.
2. Don't be a dick.

We all know this guy.  He may work with you, or play golf with you, or live down the street.  He's done all the things he says...he's not lying...he's just a dick about it.  Don't be a dick.  You don't have to be, people respect silence as much as they do a 6 foot schlong.

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