Monday, March 7, 2011

Getting Laid Off Ghetto Style

My phone rings...I know it is my boss, she sent me a message stating, "I have something important to talk with you about, I'll call you at 9:30".

I knew I was getting laid off.  I wasn't sure how I knew, but this time, I was right...maybe because I'd habitually guessed that every call from my boss was the lay off call...maybe not.


Them:  "Hey Scott, it's [your boss], do you have a minute?"

Me: "Yes"

Them:  "I have [HR Lady's name] on the phone with me, and I have to let you know with the recent cutbacks that your position with the company has been eliminated."

Me:  "Well, I've been under the bright lights before, so more illumination won't bother me much."

Them:  "Scott, your manager is trying to tell you that your position has been eliminated."

Me:  "I heard her just fine, and being under the spotlight won't bother me none too much."

Them: "I think we're having a misunderstanding."

Me:  "Maybe so, but I work well under pressure, so being center stage and being illuminated works just fine here, I kick some ass."

Them: "Scott, we're telling you that you won't be with the company anymore."

Me:  "Whoa, now that's a whole other ballgame there, who said anything about me not being here anymore?"

Them:  "We did, your position is going away."

Me:  "Daaaaaamn, now that's not cool...going from the spotlight to having no job, that would suck, now really what are we talking about?"

Them: "We are here on the phone to talk about you getting laid off."

Me:  "Well damn, listen here, my wife finds out I don't work for the company anymore and ain't nobody getting laid or getting off round here, now what I mean?"

Them:  "Let's discuss your severance package."

Me:  "Hey lady, there ain't nothing more severe than not having a job...get it N-O J-O-B."

Them: "Well..."

Me:  "AND....let me tell you now, I ain't letting you do that...I quit...I got your PACKAGE right here, got that?"

Them:  "Excuse me?"

Me:  "THAT'S RIGHT, I ain't talking about nothing more severe than not having a job, that's all messed up."

Them:  "Your severance package Mr. West, that's where we pay you..."

Me:  "PAY ME, PAY ME, not having a job, you ain't gonna be paying me shit."

Them:  "MR. WEST, we will pay you until you find another job."

Me:  " OOOooohhhh, yeah, that's didn't hear that about me having your package did you....?"

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